Christ in the Chaos

Around October, I watched this video -

When I watched this, I was searching for a challenge in expanding my faith and answers to a question that had been knocking on my heart for quite some time. I just could not get settled into school this semester. My faith and prayer routine felt so uneasy. I was trying to figure out exactly what surrender to God's will looked like. On top of all of this, a sister at a vocations fair had just told me to, "stop fighting my vocation." My life overall felt like chaos and I could feel God calling me to something, but I couldn't quite hear it.

So - I did what I do best and I fell into prayer. As Jackie explains, a 54 day rosary novena consists of 27 days of a prayer of petition and 27 days of a prayer of thanksgiving. Over this time my prayer slowly evolved from praying for my vocation to be revealed to praying for my vocation in the here and now to praying for the Lord to just prepare the way of my heart for Him.

As I prayed this novena, I became so frustrated because there was no certain answer or inclination or clear guidance. The Lord did not just reveal to me a simple plan of my vocation. Instead, he presented me with this opportunity to grow closer to Him and to trust in Him deeper.

I felt so so hopeless until the 27th day came. On the 27th day, Sarah Swafford came and spoke at SLU about virtuous men and women in our world. It hit me. My primary vocation is to be holy. Women like me do not have to be cloistered to a convent for our choices to follow our Lord and strive towards virtue. We can do that in the here and now. We can do that wearing a habit to many children. We can do that wearing a wedding ring and pour ourselves entirely into a few children and raise saints. We only have to strive to be holy and who we are. Contrary to every opinion I hear on my own vocation, my choice to pursue holiness does not have to equal in the title of Sister. It has the same capacity to end in the title of being a Mrs.

After this, I had to be thankful. For what? Good question. I had no idea. God had given me a subtle nudge to remain true to myself, but there was no guidance in a final end. In these next 27 days, majority of my prayers relied on Mary and her intercession. I began to reflect on the invisible graces within this novena.

On the last day, the 54th day happen to land on the first Sunday of advent. The start of our liturgical calendar. A beginning. (This was not planned and I thought it was oh so cool when it happened)

I went into confession that day to begin the advent season and to prepare my heart. I confessed to the priest my lack of understanding in this novena I've been praying and this difficulty I have been having in seeing how the Lord is working in the here and now. His penance for me was simple - to go adore this -

taken by Nick Bernard

This is the side right altar in St. Francis Xavier aka College Church

As soon as I looked at this, my eyes welled up with tears. Mary here is surrounded by so much. It is chaos if you ask me. Yet, as you look closer, her eyes are so locked on our Lord. Mary never wavered in this. She faced adversity. She said yes to a radical calling at such a young age. She brought Jesus into a chaotic world during imperfect circumstances. Through it all, her gaze was set on Him.

The Lord was not radically revealing to me my vocation in praying this novena. He was not planning on giving me any answers. He simply just wanted me to focus on Him in the midst of my chaos.

I still do not know the clear cut, for sure answer for my vocation, but I know the Lord's goodness will be bared within it. I trust that through the intercession of our mother, Mary that the Lord is slowly preparing me for what is to come.

2019 for me was just pure chaos in every form and more came around each corner I turned. In 2020, the Lord is calling me to just fix my gaze on Him. This new liturgical year showed me this and I hope this new year can allow you to become so fixed, so wrapped, and so in awe of our Lord's loving gaze.

Happy Solemnity of Mary!